


The Beautiful and Damaged Mind of Jillian Holtzmann

by DARWIN51



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, erin finds out holtz likes her, patty holtzmann friendship, poor drunk holtz, this kid can't catch a break
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 14:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13905861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DARWIN51/pseuds/DARWIN51
Summary: During a drunk night on the rooftop, Holtz reveals something to the others that sends her into a tailspin. On top of that, Erin finds out that Holtzmann likes her and confronts feelings she's never had before. The team has to call Dr. Gorin just to get a depressed Jillian out of bed, but they end up learning the real reason she wasn't getting up. After everything that's been revealed, Holtz is pretty sure she's unlovable. Does Erin agree? (See chapter notes for TW)





	1. The Awful and Painful Night

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings will be given at the beginning of each chapter, as they relate to the chapter, so as not to give stuff away. Everything is only MENTIONED, not described. If you're not super triggered by anything, I recommend you skip this part because it will spoil the story. The more intense stuff is in the following chapters. For this chapter the only warning is mention of parent death and suicide. And slightly graphic description of someone puking drunk so I hope that doesn't trigger your gag reflex.

Erin checked her pulse rate with two fingers as she climbed the stairwell of the fire station, completing her morning workout. She made a mental note to look into getting one of those FitBits Holtzy had.

She started prepping a coffee pot on the second floor kitchen counter and swung the refrigerator door open, bending down to reach the milk. 

Her earbud was yanked from her ear by the wire, and she spun around quickly to see Abby standing right behind her. 

“Ow!” Erin cupped her ear with her hand. “What the hell?” 

“What? I need to ask you something.”

“Why couldn’t you just say so?” Erin snatched the wire back, removing the other earbud. 

“What, talk to you while you’re listening to music?”

“It’s not music.”

“Sorry, Ted Talks, Miss Smarty-Pants over here—“ 

Erin held up the end of the wire. “It’s not connected to anything. It’s just so people won’t bother me while I’m running.” 

“Oh.” 

Erin looked back across the room. Abby had already started working for the day, and Patty was sitting in a booth reading the newspaper. Holtzmann was probably still sleeping in, as usual. 

Erin shut the refrigerator and started the coffee. She pulled the rest of the wire out of her shirt and tossed it onto the kitchenette table. “What do you need to ask?” 

“I made toast. Do you want some?” 

“Jesus, Abby. That’s it? That’s what you had to ask?” 

Abby put her hands up in defense. “So-rry.” She mumbled, taking her plate of toast back to her worktable. 

Erin set a few cups out and went to gather her things to hit the showers. She grabbed a piece of toast off Abby’s desk as she walked by.

“Oh, Erin! One other thing I wanted to talk to you about.” She said. 

“Yeah?” Erin stopped. 

“Um… Holtzmann.” Abby started. 

“Yes?”

“You know… she likes you, right?” 

The question caught Erin completely off-guard. “The… what?” 

“Like, she like-likes you.” 

“I…” Erin wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “I didn’t know she was… into girls.” 

“Oh come on, babygirl.” Patty called from the booth. “Even I knew that.” 

“Why are you telling me this?”

Abby shrugged. “Thought you would want to know. I thought you two might hit it off.” 

“Abby, I’m straight, you know that.” 

Abby held her arms up in defense again. “I don’t know; you could like girls too.” 

Erin hesitated. She had never really thought about it. “I don’t.” She said. “Is Holtzmann… okay with that? This isn’t going to complicate anything, is it?”

“No, I’ll let her know you’re not interested, and she’ll get over it, and she’ll find someone else. I just wanna make sure. That’s your final answer. Is you’re not interested.” 

“Right.” Erin said. 

“Okay.” Abby sounded skeptical. 

Erin hesitantly walked back to the showers, glancing back once to find Abby and Patty both watching her. 

~//~

“Alright kids,” Patty declared, raising her beer to the night sky. “To busting.” 

“To busting!” Erin and Abby agreed, and all four girls clinked their bottles together and started drinking, looking out at the city lights from the rooftop of the new fire station. 

“Um, to Holtzmann, for fixing the kickback on the proton shotgun.” Erin said. “Thanks for not sending me into a wall this time.”

Holtzmann gave a curt nod, staring at the city lights, unblinking. 

“My turn,” Abby said, adjusting her camping chair, before sitting back. “To Erin’s badass moves today at the warehouse! Man, what a day.” 

“Yeah, what was that, girl?!” Patty laughed. 

“An accident.” Erin replied, taking another sip. 

Patty laughed harder. “You were doing somersaults! That was an accident?” 

“I can’t do somersaults. Not like that anyway.” 

“Holtz—“ Abby glanced at her friend to hear her toast, but noticed Holtzmann had her bottle tilted skyward. “Holtzmann, slow down!” Abby quickly lowered the bottle from Holtzmann’s hands. “Oh my god, is that your second one?” 

Holtz just looked at her.

“Seriously?” Erin asked. 

“We’ve been up here for five minutes! You’re such a lightweight to begin with, you probably don’t even need more than one!” 

“Holtzy sorry.” She muttered, eliciting a chuckle from Abby. 

“You have a toast?”

“To… fluorescent lightbulbs. The curly ones.” Holtz made up, looking at the lights from the city. 

“I’ll drink to that.” Patty said. “If all lightbulbs still got super hot, Holtzy woulda set quite a bit more things on fire by now.” 

“I once started a fire from a hot lightbulb.” Erin mused. 

“Aw, you start fires too!?” Patty cried. 

“It was an accident!” 

“Do you do anything on purpose

“Nothing right, apparently.” Erin muttered. She glanced over at Holtzmann on the other end of their line of chairs, still not participating in the conversation. Holtz had the bottle to her lips, looking across the city, seemingly frozen. 

Erin remembered what Abby had told her this morning, about how Holtzmann liked her. And Abby had probably told Holtz sometime today that she didn’t like her back. Erin felt awful. “Hey Abby, can I talk to you?” 

“Yeah what’s up?” 

“Um, inside? Really quick?” 

“Do I have to get up?” Abby groaned. 

“…Yeah.” 

Abby heard the urgency in her friend’s voice, so she got up and followed Erin to the metal roof door and into the stairwell. 

Erin shut the door behind Abby. “What did you say to her?”

“Who?” 

“Holtzmann!” 

“What do you mean?”

“About what you told me this morning?”

“Oh, I told her you’re not interested.”

“Did she… take it okay?” 

“Yeah, I mean, she was pretty disappointed. Why?” 

“You haven’t noticed that she seems… upset?” Erin asked, concerned. 

“I don’t know, Erin. She just gets quiet sometimes. That’s just how she is.” 

Out on the roof, Patty and Holtzmann stared at each other awkwardly as Abby and Erin’s entire conversation was broadcast through an echoing metal vent. 

About a minute later, Abby and Erin exited back onto the roof and took their seats. Patty decided not to tell them that no part of their conversation was private. 

The four of them sat for a minute, listening to an airplane somewhere above, a siren somewhere below, and squinting at the sky in hopes of seeing a star. The air was just cool enough to need a sweater, but not cold enough to drive them off the roof. 

“Hey! Are you serious!?” 

Erin and Patty glanced over at Abby, who had snatched an unopened beer out of Holtzmann’s hands. 

“Is this your third or fourth? Holtzmann, it’s been ten minutes, are you trying to get sick?”

Holtzmann just looked at Abby, the lights from the city reflecting off her eyes. She didn’t need her glasses in the darkness. She reached for the bottle again.

Abby pulled it away. “Holtzy, is there something wrong?” She asked gently. 

Holtz hesitated, then nodded. 

Abby considered what Erin had just told her. “Does it… does it have to do with one of us?” 

Holtz’s eyes flickered to Erin. She shook her head.

“Are you sure?” 

“My mom died. Today.” Holtz’s voice was soft, and it cracked a little since she hadn’t spoken in a while. Her expression didn’t change. 

“Holtzy… oh god.” Abby said, scared because she still wasn’t able to read her friend’s expression. 

“You mean like, the anniversary?” Erin assumed. 

“Like, today. 2018. This morning.” 

“Oh Holtzy, for real?” Patty asked gently. 

“I wouldn’t lie.” Holtz replied. 

“Oh my god… why didn’t you tell us?” Abby asked.

“Are you okay?” Erin asked. 

Holtz was silent for a moment, then she finally broke eye contact and held out her open palm to Abby expectantly. Abby gave in and set the bottle in Holtz’s hand, and the other three girls watched Holtz twist the cap off and pour the liquid down her throat. They couldn’t tell if her eyes were watery or if it was just the lights. 

Erin leaned forward in her chair, looking down the row at Holtzmann, her heart aching. “What happened?” She asked softly. 

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Holtz swallowed around her words. 

Erin drew in a breath, “Talking might help—“

“Shut up.” Holtz bit the rim of the bottle, instantly angry with herself for saying that to Erin. She drew the bottle away from her mouth and bit her lip to keep from crying with frustration, afraid the others might think the tears were about her mother. To distract herself, she tipped the bottle to the sky again. 

The other three exchanged worried glances. 

Holtz brought the bottle back to her lap and fought the urge to gag. “Can we talk about something else?” 

Patty seemed to be on the same wavelength, and she quickly changed the subject for her while the other two continued to watch Holtzmann. They caught on and joined Patty in talking about some weird seafood she had the other day. Holtzmann remained quiet. 

Within fifteen minutes, Holtz was hunched over, gripping her calves and swallowing quickly. 

“You gonna hurl?” Abby asked knowingly. 

Holtz sucked in a breath and nodded. Fighting down bile, she stood quickly and ran back inside and down the stairs. 

Abby gathered Holtzy’s empty bottles and put them back in the carton. She packed up her camping chair, too. “Well, I don’t think she’s coming back out tonight.”

“Should someone go make sure she’s okay?” Erin bit her fingernail. 

“You called it. I can’t deal with other people puking.” Abby replied. 

“Are you sure she wasn’t just making an excuse to be alone for a minute?” Patty asked.

“Um, no.” Abby said. “She was definitely about to toss her cookies. Didn’t I tell you she’s a lightweight?” 

Erin bit her lip and glanced back at the roof access door. For a second she pictured Holtzmann falling down the stairs drunk, and her family having to deal with two deaths in one day. “I’m gonna go check on her. I can handle vomit.” 

~//~

After searching the third floor bathroom and becoming worried, Erin was relieved to see light spilling out from the bathroom door on the darkened second floor. She heard the telltale hollow cough of having drank too much, and waited on the other side of the door for it to die down. 

The door wasn’t closed all the way, so Erin’s soft knock caused it to fall open. “Holtzy?” She peeked into the single bathroom to find Holtzmann hunched over the toilet, shaking. 

“Oh, sweetie.” Erin hurried over and gently pulled Holtzmann back from the toilet so she could flush it. “Inhaling it only makes it worse. Breathe a little fresh air.” 

“I don’t think there’s anything left.” Holtz mumbled hoarsely. 

Erin grabbed a handful of paper towels and knelt on the floor next to Holtzmann, wiping her mouth. “There, it’s okay, it’s okay.” She gripped Holtzmann’s opposite shoulder to hold her steady, and Holtz leaned back against the cool wall opposite the toilet, trapping Erin’s arm around her. Erin leaned back with her. 

Holtzmann moaned. 

“I know. I know.” Erin pinched a loose strand of hair off Holtz’s sweaty forehead and pulled it back into place. She gave Holtz the silence for a few minutes while she listened to her breathing even out. When she looked back, Holtz’s face was twisted in pain, barely holding back tears. Erin’s breath caught in her throat. “Are you okay?” 

Holtzmann took in a shuddering breath, wiping her nose with her sleeve. She kept trying to say something, but she was afraid all that would come out were sobs. She didn’t really want Erin to see her crying. Finally, through hitched breaths, she managed, “It was suicide. She stepped in front of a train. I don’t know why.” 

The last sentence carried so much. 

Her voice broke and then she was crying not only in front of the woman she admired, but also on her. Her tears left wet spots on Erin’s shirt, and her cheek pressed against the warmth of Erin’s skin at her shoulder. 

Erin was rendered speechless. And a little bit angry at Holtzmann’s mom for giving up on the world and leaving her daughter in pain like this. Erin’s instinct took over and she pressed her palm against the side of Holtzmann’s head, holding her closer to her chest, and rubbing her back softly. She had no idea what to say to the young engineer. 

Fortunately, Holtz spoke first, “I need to puke again.” 

Erin quickly let her go, but kept one hand on her back and Holtz started to cough heavily again and lean towards the toilet. 

“Please don’t watch.” Holtzmann groaned hoarsely. 

Erin stepped outside and crossed the room in the dark to the large windows. She listened carefully, and after another minute or so, Holtz’s heaving gave way to sobs again. 

As Erin moved back towards the bathroom, something cut through her muffled sobs; the word “why”.

It sounded cliché, but in the given context it was incredibly applicable. And it absolutely broke Erin’s heart.

Suddenly, the sound of one more dry heave and a loud slam reached Erin’s ears. 

She rushed back through the doorway to see Holtz with her back pressed into the corner, and her face ducked beneath one arm, and a dent in the wall that her head had made. Holtz looked up quickly, not expecting to see Erin there. 

“Ahhh!” 

“Holtzy, hey, it’s just me! It’s okay! I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m so sorry—“

“I thought you went back upstairs.” 

“…No, I—“

“You were listening to me?” 

“I… I’m sorry, I thought you knew I wasn’t going to leave you.” 

Holtzmann looked like she couldn’t really care anymore, and she closed her eyes again. 

“What was that noise? Did you do this?” Erin inspected the fresh head-sized dent in the drywall. 

“M’sorry.” 

“Holtzmann I don’t care about the wall. Let me see your head.” 

Holtz put her head down and Erin parted her hair in the back, where a little bit of blood stood out among blond. 

“Jesus, Holtz. You’re bleeding. What did you do?” 

She didn’t answer, but her entire small body was shaking rhythmically from emptying out everything in her system and then some. 

“Come on upstairs, Holtzy. I’ll get you a bandage and a blanket and then you need some rest, alright?”

Holtzmann didn’t answer, but she kept shaking. 

Erin was beginning to calculate if she could carry Holtz up the stairs when she heard footsteps approaching the bathroom. 

Abby and Patty peeked their heads in. 

“Hey. She threw up everything and then she hit her head on the wall. I think she’s done now, but I don’t know if she can make it up the stairs herself.” Erin reported.

“I got you, baby.” Patty said dutifully, walking right over and lifting Holtzmann’s small body effortlessly. 

Holtzmann wrapped her arms around Patty and buried her face into her neck. 

~//~


	2. The Shameful and Complicated Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the feedback last time! You might be able to see in this chapter why I was afraid to post. Needless to say it's different from other fics and probably different from Holtz canon. Keep in mind, I am an EMT and firefighter, and we see that this stuff happens to so, so many people, and they're usually good people, and it's sometimes not their fault. Please give it a chance. TW: mentions of drug use.

Four Days Later

“Holtzmann?” Abby called up the stairs. “There’s someone here to see you.” 

Four sets of footsteps ascended the stairs to the second floor, where Holtzmann sat at the kitchen table, feet tucked up on the chair with her, arms out behind her over the back of the chair. She might’ve looked completely relaxed in her olive tank top, except for her frown of suspicion. 

“She’s upstairs,” Erin’s voice drifted into the room, and four people rounded the corner. “What? She was just laying in bed two minutes ago. Holtzy, how did you—“

“What?” Holtzmann asked. 

“Jillian.” Dr. Gorin greeted cautiously, walking over to the table but stopping a few feet away. 

Holtzmann’s eyes widened for a brief second, then she drew her brows together. 

“What happened, Jillian?” 

Holtz shrugged her bare shoulders. Her light hands tapped on the sides of the chair. She loves Dr. Gorin, but hates confrontations. 

“Your friends were worried about you. They said they couldn’t get you out of bed.” 

Erin, Patty, and Abby stood not far behind Rebecca, listening. 

“What were you doing?”

“Hibernating.” Holtz replied smoothly. 

“Jillian.” Rebecca stepped closer to her, frowning in suspicion. “Let me see your arm.”

Holtz immediately drew her left arm close to her chest, which of course only made Rebecca more suspicious. 

“Let me see it!” She grabbed Holtzmann’s wrist and shoved her sleeve up, making no effort to be gentle. Whatever she saw confirmed her suspicions. She released Holtz’s arm away violently, letting it hit the edge of the table. 

“Ow.” Holtzmann mouthed, rubbing her arm. 

“Alright, hey! We didn’t bring you here to hurt her, what the hell!” Erin stepped forward trying to step in, but Rebecca addressed Holtzmann again. 

“Heroin, Jillian!?” 

Silence fell over the room, almost a presence itself. Rebecca glared at Holtzmann, while Holtz shrank back into her chair, eyes watering, looking absolutely terrified and about twenty years younger. 

Rebecca had to turn away for a second, reading the pain on Holtz’s face. Something seemed to happen between the two of them, then Rebecca went back to hostile. 

“What?” Erin said.

“He—Are you serious!?” Patty cried. 

Both of them were ignored. 

“Jesus fuck, Jillian. Are you high right now!?” Rebecca took a quick step forward to look into Holtz’s eyes.

“I’m not!”

After inspecting Holtz’s pupils, Rebecca seemed satisfied with that answer. “Why?” She challenged. “I want an answer. Why? What the hell happened? You have friends, you have a job, you have a home, you’re doing your science…” 

Erin stepped forward, still not quite able to process what she had just heard. “Her mom died.” She said quietly to Dr. Gorin. She had left that out of their phone conversation. 

Rebecca’s expression softened. “Jillian,” She pulled out the chair across from Holtzmann and sat down. “Jillian, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m so, so sorry, but you can’t turn back to drugs whenever your life gets hard.” 

Holtz’s expression became sympathetic. “It was only once. I was gonna stop. I’m not addicted.” 

“Where’s the rest of it?” 

“It’s gone. There’s no more.” 

“Where’s the rest of it, Jillian!” 

Holtz looked terrified for a moment. “U-upstairs, in my blue makeup bag.”

Rebecca marched up the stairs while Holtz tried her best not to make eye contact with the other three. She returned a minute later. “There’s nothing in here!” Rebecca held up the blue bag. 

“I told you it’s all gone!”

“Then why did you tell me it was in a makeup bag!?”

“You scared me! I lied!” Holtz cringed and shied away, as if she could push herself all the way through the back of the chair. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jillian. Is that really it?”

“… There’s no more.” Holtz whispered. “I swear.” 

“Were you planning on using again?” 

“I wasn’t even planning it this time!” 

“But you’re done now, right? You really scared your friends.”

Holtz glanced over at the other three for the first time this whole conversation. Their expressions forced her to look away. She didn’t answer Rebecca’s question. 

More than anything, Holtz wanted her friends to understand her and see her side of the story, then they might understand why she did what she did. But even more than that, Holtz wanted them to never learn a single thing about her past. 

“Jillian. You’re done, right?” 

“I hope so.” 

“You need to promise me.” Rebecca said firmly. 

“I don’t know! Can you promise my dad’s not gonna be killed by a falling anvil tomorrow? Or my brother by a school bus? It’s not like I want to use again, but you know there is no scientific way to predict the future. What if someone forces me to do it?” 

Erin snorted. She had always been firmly against drug use, and she was past the point of shock by now enough to be angry. She had lost so much respect for Holtzmann in the past four minutes, and the last things she wanted to hear were excuses. 

Rebecca looked back at Erin, Patty, and Abby. “Can you three maybe give us a minute?” Dr. Gorin asked, pointing to the door. 

Abby led the other two downstairs so Holtzmann and Dr. Gorin could finish talking. 

~//~

It was about half an hour before Gorin came back downstairs to talk to the others. 

“Where is she?” Abby asked. 

“Resting, on the third floor. Listen, I need to talk to you three about something.” She eyed Kevin at the desk, obviously wanting to leave him out of it. “Let’s go back upstairs?” 

Erin tilted her head. “Yeah, um, I think I have a question or two.” They hadn’t been able to talk about the heroin thing because Kevin was there, but Erin was pretty sure Abby hadn’t known about this either. And certainly not Patty. 

Rebecca led them back to one of the second floor booths and motioned for them to sit down. “I feel I need to explain something.” She started. 

“I think the word “heroin” said plenty.” Erin said coldly. 

Rebecca sighed. “See, this is exactly why I need to explain it. I know that Jillian admires all of you very much, especially you Dr. Gilbert.”

Erin blushed.

“I don’t need you getting the wrong idea about her. So I ask you, please, be willing to hear me out.” 

Abby elbowed Erin gently, and Erin dropped a few of her more sarcastic and condescending layers. Her expression softened, and she gave Dr. Gorin her full attention. 

Rebecca removed her glasses and set them on the table, looking down at them. “Now, I don’t know much about Jillian’s life before I found her, and it’s certainly not my place to tell. I know that she was exposed to both abuse and drugs early on. But when I found her, at twenty-two, she was addicted. Some sick person realized that forcing young people to start created a dependency, and as long as they were addicted they would keep coming back, and work for drugs instead of money. Particularly young women who didn’t have a home or strong family support. When she was twenty-two, Jillian jumped from a second-story window while trying to escape a… an angry client. She happened to land in the same dumpster where I was diving for spare parts, and she begged me to help her. The man came down to find her, and I pretended to be her mother and scared him away. She recognized some of the parts that I was picking up, and I offered to show her what I was making. Then I took her back to my house and locked her in my basement while she went through withdrawal.” Rebecca finished, almost proud about having locked someone in her basement against their will. 

“Wait, what?” Erin of course, was trying to process the basement part as well. 

Rebecca laughed warmly. “She was very glad that I did so, eventually. And thanked me. Eventually. I was working in the engineering lab at a nearby university, and once she was clean and she said she had no place to go, I brought her to the lab occasionally, and eventually helped her enroll in the program. Like I said, she never talked about her personal life much, which was good because I didn’t ask, nor did I want to know. I’ve been told I’m quite… “cold and distant” at times, which seem like terrible qualities for a mentor,” She laughed loudly. “But Jillian took a liking to me. I have no clue why.”   
“Wait,” Erin said, “So she wasn’t close with her parents?” 

“That doesn’t mean she can’t still be upset about losing her mom.” Abby whispered. 

“That’s not what I meant—“ It kind of was what she meant, though. 

“From what I understand, no.” Gorin replied. “It’s possible she’s reconnected with them in the last decade without telling me. In fact, it’s almost guaranteed that she wouldn’t tell me if that happened. So I think you should understand all that before you go making your judgments about her. She’s a good kid. She’s just been in some bad places.” 

Erin felt like that was directed at her. She looked down at her hands, wondering if she should apologize. Still, none of this really excused why she went back to heroin just recently. Erin looked up and realized that the other three were looking at her. “What?”

“You were mumbling to yourself.” Abby said. 

“Oh. Well I was just wondering, why would she start doing drugs again? If she’s been clean. I mean, I don’t know much but I know heroin is a serious, serious hardcore drug. It’s not like smoking marijuana, or even cocaine.” 

“I don’t have an answer for you. You’d have to ask her. It’s what she knows, I guess. She knows that doing it once will bring a… satisfying enough high without harming her. I do know one thing about Jillian, and I’ve never been able to figure out the correlation, but I know that it doesn’t take much to get her drunk, it doesn’t take much to get her high –she’s very much a lightweight on all of those things –but she doesn’t get addicted very easily. To anything. We used to smoke cigarettes together, and she told me she could stop anytime she wanted. I lectured her on how bad it was for her, and so she stopped. No withdrawal, no cravings, nothing. Obviously, heroin is a bit more intense than that, and she was forced into that for years, but I’m mostly confident she’ll be fine now. All drug users say they’re not addicted, but she actually does mean it. I have no idea where she got the heroin from this time, nor do I know where she got the radioactive Americium 25 downstairs in the lab, but it’s definitely illegal and I’m not gonna ask.” 

Erin frowned, “There’s something illegal in our lab?” 

Rebecca laughed loudly for a good ten seconds. “Please, I’ve seen your proton packs. Wonderful machines they are,” She admired. “but about eighty-seven percent illegal.” 

Even Abby glanced at Erin, surprised she hadn’t known this. 

Patty put her hands up, “Listen, I got plenty of ways I can prove that I don’t know any of you. Erin, you wrote a book with these freaks, you’re on your own.” 

“Thanks, Patty.” 

Dr. Gorin checked her watch. “Well, I’ve checked the third floor, and interrogated Jillian. I’m certain there are no more drugs in the building, and I’m mostly sure she won’t do it again. It was very smart of you ladies to call me.” She inspected her glasses before putting them back on. She looked like it pained her to admit that she cared about Holtzmann. She tried to play it off. “I’m going to check back in on her in a few days. Don’t hesitate to call me again if something else seems off. And um… be gentle with her. She wasn’t in a good place when she was on drugs, so I can’t imagine she was in a good place if she started again.” She stood. 

“We’ll take care of her.” Abby promised, but Rebecca was looking at Erin. 

Erin wondered if this was because of what she said earlier, or if it was because Holtzmann had told Dr. Gorin that she liked Erin. Regardless, Erin gave Rebecca a small, knowing nod. 

“I’ll see you ladies.” Rebecca saluted, heading towards the stairs while Abby thanked her profusely.   
~//~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go easy on me. (btw... Gorin salutes :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This piece was supposed to come after the next chapter. So this should be 4 and the next one should be 3 but things got mixed up. You'll be fine if you read out of order though. Also if anyone has seen my laptop charger please let me know asap.

Erin got away easy this time: the ectoplasm had drenched her upper left arm, but nothing else. 

Comparatively, she still had it pretty bad since everyone else only got the splatter from what hit her. 

Whatever the case, her soaking sleeve was now freezing and clinging to her arm, and a hot shower sounded fan-fucking-tastic. She pushed open the swinging door to the bathrooms and showers on the first floor. 

“Think you’ll survive all that awful ectoplasm that bounced off of me and onto you?” Erin greeted Holtz, who was leaning over the sink dabbing at something on her white undershirt collar. Her Ghostbusters jumper was tied around her waist by the sleeves, and Erin felt… something, taking in that sight. Her bare arms were surprisingly less muscular and more feminine than one might think based on the physical strength she displayed every day. But when they were flexed without trying, like right now, the muscle tone was undeniable. Her mouth was slightly open and her tongue rested against her top teeth in concentration. 

“You really did a number on me, Gilbert.” 

Erin slung her towel over a hook next to one of the shower stalls and threw open the curtain. She started running the shower to let it warm up. “You poor thing.”

Holtz tossed a wet wad of paper towel into the garbage can and packed up her things on the sink counter. 

“Hey, Holtz wait.” Erin started, “There’s uh, something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“What’s up?” Holtz tried to stay casual even though she pretty much knew what it was about. 

“Um,” Erin forced herself to face Holtz and say what she had practiced. “The other day, Abby told me that you um, well I didn’t know you were… gay? And—“

“Wait, really?”

“What?”

“You didn’t know that?” 

Erin was a little surprised. It felt like an insult to her cognitive skills, like there was something she should have noticed. “It wasn’t really brought up, no. Was there some big rainbow flag I missed?” 

Holtzmann frowned. 

“I’m sorry. Anyway, what I was going to say is, um, I noticed now. I can see how some of the ways you act around me may have been… some kind of flirting. And I never really thought about liking women until the other day. I was kinda waiting until this stuff about your mom blew over a little to confront you. And I just wanted to say that…” 

Holtz braced herself for the rejection. 

“I’m sorry. I just… don’t like you in that way. I’m not gay. And um, it’s not mutual. I’m sorry.” Erin fitted her fingers together nervously. 

“I know.” Holtz said, trying not to make her voice crack. 

“Abby said you would move on and—Wait, you know?” 

“Of course. It wasn’t hard to guess I mean, I have yet to experience something that does work out in my favor.” 

“Holtz, I—don’t take this as an attack on your personal life.” 

“You’re right, I’m sorry. Got dramatic there for a second.” Holtz gave a small laugh and finished packing up her things. 

As she headed out the door, Erin called, “We’re still good, right?” 

“Of course.” Holtz paused. “And by the way Erin, you could’ve just said “I’m straight”. It would’ve implied that “you don’t like me in that way” and “the feeling’s not mutual”, you didn’t have to say all of that to my face.” 

Holtz slipped out the door, leaving Erin feeling like she had been punched in the stomach.


	4. The Dead and Grieving Parent

Since they ended up having no calls that day, the girls let Holtzmann rest for a while. It wasn’t until about ten o’clock when Patty suggested someone go wake her up to get some dinner. And since Patty was the one to say it, Patty was the one to go. 

She gently tapped on the wall next to the curtain that separated her and Holtzmann’s sleeping area from Abby and Erin’s. 

“Hey, Pats.” 

Patty pushed through the curtain. “How’d you know it was me?” 

“I know your knock.” Holtzmann sat at the desk, writing something. 

“You’re up?” 

“I don’t wanna throw off my sleep schedule.” Holtzmann spun around in her desk chair. 

“We made a late dinner about an hour ago. You want some lasagna?” 

Holtzmann scrunched her nose. “Mmh, I’ll have to pass on that one.” 

Patty walked over and sat on Holtzmann’s perfectly-made bed next to her desk. She was wondering why Holtzmann was writing with a pencil and paper, but then she remembered how Holtz had gotten so frustrated yesterday because her brother kept trying to call her, that she had casually dropped her phone in the fish tank. Erin had later retrieved it and set it in a bowl of rice, which remained on top of the microwave. Last they checked, it still didn’t work. Patty wondered if Holtz had been high when she did that, but it seemed more likely that it was just from genuine frustration and stress. 

“Baby.” Patty started. “You alright?” 

“Yep.” 

“No baby, I mean for real. Look at me.” She touched Holtz’s chin gently. Holtz froze but didn’t turn her head. “I’m not talking about drugs. I don’t care about that. It doesn’t change how much any of us love you. I’m talking about your mom.” 

Holtzmann rotated her chair towards Patty, but kept her eyes down at the desk. “What did Dr. Gorin tell you?” 

“She told us how she met you. How you were forced to start using.”

“What did—what did Erin think?” Holtzmann’s voice wavered. 

“I think she thought the same as the rest of us. She’s not mad at you, Holtzy. She doesn’t think any less of you.” 

“Well, Dr. Gorin didn’t use the word “prostitution” then, did she?” 

Patty let that hang in the air for a moment, processing it. “No. No, she didn’t. Are you afraid we would think less of you?” 

“Duh. I mean, I wasn’t a prostitute. But I got myself into that world. I scouted clients and made sure everything was safe, did background checks and stuff. I needed the money, but they paid in drugs. Plus, not many people will hire someone who didn’t graduate high school. This was pre GED and doctorate, of course. ” 

Patty thought for a moment, because none of these subjects were black-and-white, right-and-wrong. They had already learned their lesson today about how not all drug users were lowlifes who chose to start. But Patty couldn’t be sure Erin’s stance on it, and she knew that’s what mattered to Holtz. 

“Baby, it don’t sound like you chose a career of prostitution. Nobody chooses that. I can’t personally imagine what kind of place you must be in to have to do that.” 

Holtz still hadn’t made eye contact. 

“I mean, especially you. None of us think you would choose that, especially because we all know you’re…” 

“Gay?” 

“Yeah. I mean, you knew before that, right?” 

Holtz was pretty sure Patty was the only one who would have this kind of conversation with her. Everyone else might think Holtz fragile and shy away from certain topics, and keep repeating how nothing is her fault and never let her really talk. She definitely needed someone like Patty. “I came out to my family when I was fourteen.”

“Oh Jeez, baby.” Patty rubbed her forehead, seeming to realize what a place Holtz must have been in to go against her own biology.

Holtz smirked. “Well, women pay for sex too sometimes.” 

“Regardless. I don’t think any less of you. I love you.” 

“…Erin?” 

Again, Patty couldn’t be sure Erin’s views on prostitution. “I won’t tell Erin. It’ll stay between us if you want, okay?” 

Holtz nodded. 

Patty looked at Holtz’s flushed face and her expressionless stare. “C’mere, baby. Come sit next to Patty.” She patted the bed next to her, and Holtz climbed on the bed, leaning against her shoulder. Patty wrapped her arm around Holtzmann and rocked her softly for a little while. 

A few minutes later, they heard footsteps enter the room and Erin peeked her head through the curtain. 

“Hey guys.” She said. “You gonna come out? Abby and I were thinking of starting a movie. Are you interested?” 

Holtz shook her head. 

“We—it doesn’t have to be a movie. We just think you should get up for a few minutes. Just eat something. Or drink something. You want some tea? You probably prefer coffee, right? Because caffeine makes you tired?” 

Holtz nodded.

Erin stared at her for another minute, thinking about whatever. She blinked. “Okay. It’ll be ready in a few minutes, so come on out, okay?” 

Holtz nodded again, and Erin left, feeling weird that that conversation had been entirely one-sided. 

Patty started to notice how she was still rocking Holtzmann back and forth gently. “Everyone here babies you, you know that?” 

Holtz smiled briefly. 

She rubbed her back to get her moving. “Come on. I think I’m gonna make me some hot cocoa.” 

~//~

It wasn’t long before everyone had their desired hot beverage and took up all four seats at the small kitchen table. Erin kept stealing glances at Holtzmann, but Holtz had yet to notice. 

Abby had asked Holtzmann right away if she felt better, but she still hadn’t answered. 

Now Holtz was buried in her own bad thoughts, peering into her mug and whispering “I’m sorry” before taking a sip. 

“What was that?” Erin asked, sitting next to Holtz. 

“Nothing. I said I’m sorry.” 

“For what?”

“Scaring you guys. I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.” Holtzmann mumbled. 

“Baby, you were under a lot of stress. Of course we’re gonna worry about you.” Patty said. 

Holtz drew in a breath. “You guys… mean so much to me.” She said, looking down into her mug. “I feel like I have a real family here. You guys showed me love, and not a lot of people have done that for me. When I’m with you guys I don’t hate myself. And I’m throwing it away.” 

“Oh, Holtzy—“ Erin said. 

“Nice try.” Abby said. “You think you’re gonna drive us away that easily? Sorry Holtz, you’re ours now.” 

It seemed like it would be the right thing to say to pick Holtz up, but she dropped her head to the table, resting her ear on her arm as if she were going to go to sleep. She gripped the handle of her mug and glanced up at them, looking thoroughly exhausted. “Lucky you.” She muttered. 

“Holtzmann,” Erin started, “I feel like… you think that we’re thinking bad things about you. If that made sense.”

“Yeah.” Abby agreed. 

“You know that’s not true, right? We love you, and it sounds like you’ve… had a rough start that you didn’t deserve.” 

Holtz’s eyes flickered to Patty, then back to Erin. “How much did Dr. Gorin really tell you?” 

Erin frowned in confusion. “She told us about how she met you, and, and sort of where you were in your life at that time. She didn’t say anything about before that. She said you never really talked about it.” 

Holtzmann snorted and mumbled something, shaking her head. She drew her brows together and seemed to grow very sad for a moment, lost in thought. 

“Holtzmann? You alright?” Abby asked. 

Holtz buried her head in the table and started crying softly. 

“Oh. Oh, sweetie.” Erin didn’t really know what to say because she wasn’t sure what Holtz was crying about. 

“I know why she did it.” Holtz choked out, and everyone realized she was crying much harder than they thought she was. She was just good at keeping it quiet. 

The other three shared a startled glance. Abby communicated with one look what they were all thinking: they were worried Holtz was thinking about blaming herself. 

Erin had learned her lesson today about jumping to conclusions. She decided to try and hear Holtzmann out. “Would you like to talk about it? You know we’re here to listen.” 

Holtz’s head moved, but no one could tell if it was a nod or a shake. 

Erin was reaching to inspect the cut on Holtz’s head from the other day, but Holtzmann began speaking before she could touch it. 

“Due to circumstances out of my control, I was taken away from my family for about a year when I was sixteen.” She drew in a breath and sat up so she wasn’t mumbling into her arm. She forced her glance down towards the table. “Um, people did bad things to me, against my will. They also used drugs to make me dependent on them. When I got to go home, my family didn’t really know what happened. They got to read it in a police report. I also came home addicted to heroin, and a little bit… I guess fucked up in the head. My mom has always insisted that she never really got her daughter back. That I’m not really her Jillian. Think of that. I lay awake every night for a year wanting to go home, and home didn’t want me. Weird, right?” 

It seemed like Holtz was done, so Patty shook her head, “What a shitty thing to do.” 

“Jeez, Patty. Have some respect for the dead.” Holtz said. She took in Patty’s expression. “I’m kidding. But I did still… I wanted her to love me, shitty or not. And she did, she really loved me, she just didn’t think I was me. I definitely disappointed her even more when I turned eighteen and moved to the city. Couldn’t find a job so I… got paid to do what other people used to do to me for free. I hated it. And they had heroin, too. It was a bad place. Dr. Gorin found me. But I still wanted my mom. I wanted her to want me. My dad said she went into a depression when I was taken, they thought I died. She had that lost-a-child kind of grief and she never came out of it.” Holtz swiped at her eyes. “I don’t get it. I’m right here.” She shrugged but was biting back tears again. 

Abby was definitely crying. She covered Holtz’s hand with her own supportively. 

I mean, what are you supposed to say to that?

“Jesus, baby.” Patty whispered. 

“Holtz…” Erin struggled to put something together. “What makes you think she… she killed herself because of you? I don’t understand why you’re trying to put this on yourself.” 

“I’m not.” Holtz defended quickly. She glanced at her phone sitting in a bowl of rice on top the microwave. “The reason my brother kept calling me the other day was to tell me something I already know but didn’t want to hear.”

They waited but Holtz didn’t finish. She was lost somewhere in her mind. 

“What?” Abby urged. 

Holtz looked startled for a second, then remembered where she was. “Right. She killed herself on the same section of tracks where they found my bike after I went missing. I left it leaning against a milemarker. And uh, that’s where they found her shoes. The rest of her, I’m sure, got some pretty good distance.” 

“Holtzmann –oh my god!” Erin was startled by her bluntness. 

“What? She was hit by a fucking train, I’m not gonna downplay it for you. I’m sure she wanted to be with her “real” daughter, who she thinks died in the same place. Look, the bottom line here is that I’m really, really sorry for using drugs. It was stupid of me, and I can’t make any excuse for it. And I won’t do it again. Unless one of you dies.”

“Holtzmann!” Abby scolded. 

“That just means you can’t die!”

“That’s not an acceptable way to deal with grief.” Erin said. 

“Whatever.” Holtz stuck her hand into her hair and looked down, getting lost again. She hated that everyone knew this about her now. Part of her wanted to call Dr. Gorin to talk but part of her didn’t want to get yelled at for waking her up at this hour, but really, most of her knew that Gorin would be okay with Holtz waking her for help. 

“Holtzy?” Abby lightly rested a few fingers on her shoulder. “You need anything?” 

A wave of more Badstuff hit her again, and she decided she might just have to cash in on that phone call. At least so she could talk to someone who already knew her story, had dealt with her ups and downs, and wasn’t just learning all this shit for the first time. 

“Yeah.” Holtz muttered into her arm. She really wanted to call Dr. Gorin. 

“What do you need?” Abby stood up, ready to get whatever. 

“Mom.” Holtz choked. It took her a minute to realize that isn’t what she planned to say. 

After a few tense seconds, Abby cleared the drinks off the table with watery eyes, and Patty put her hand into Holtz’s. Holtz squeezed. 

Erin took a quick deep breath, resigning to the fact that she was definitely crying now. She looked over at the woman next to her, zoning out on the patch of exposed skin on the back of her neck, light blonde baby fuzz which disappeared beneath her shirt collar. 

When Abby first told Erin that Holtz was into her, Erin was almost disgusted for a minute. Not disgusted with Holtz, and not because she had anything against women liking women, but she’s never had a woman like her before. Especially someone she considered a friend. She had spent that morning looking back on everything she thought was friendly but may have actually been flirting, and she suddenly didn’t want to be alone in a room with Holtzmann anymore. 

Erin had suddenly been so afraid of sending the wrong message that she forgot to think of Holtzmann as a person, too. A person whom she knew would absolutely respect boundaries if asked. A person who had never once taken advantage of any situations most men might have. Like in the shower, or when Erin had said that ectoplasm had gone in every crack, which is easily made a sexual line, but Holtz’s expression of interested sympathy hadn’t changed the slightest when she said that. This is Holtz, her friend. A person hurting so badly right now that Erin was definitely the least of her worries.  
She gave in and began gently rubbing circles on Holtzmann’s back. 

Holtzmann didn’t flinch, or make any acknowledgment of the contact. After a few minutes, she sniffled and shrugged everyone’s hands away from her. She stood and rubbed her eyes, walking lazily across the room to her workbench, untouched for the past few days. She sat down, turned on a desk lamp, and began tinkering. 

“Holtz—“ Erin started.

Holtz held up a hand to stop talking. 

Abby watched her friend for a few minutes while the other two cleaned up, ultimately deciding Holtz was okay for the night. 

~//~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to stop generating Holtzmann backstories as easily as the press of a button. You guys don't wanna know how many unpublished backstories I have.  
> ALSO ALSO thank you to the random person who sent me a message telling me where my laptop charger was in exact, perfect detail. Creepy. You were right. But the wallpaper color of my Dad's room is ATLANTIS blue, not "Atlantic". It's very sPacific.


	5. The Awkward and Embarassing Erin Gilbert

“Alright,” Abby said, setting down a folder of papers roughly. “Erin, whatever your problem is, you better work it out before I ask.” 

“I don’t have a problem.” Erin said, pretending to be interested in something on her computer. It was all she could do to keep from looking over at Holtzmann’s desk for the nth time today. 

“You’ve been grumps all day. You’re like a big raincloud. Do you have a headache or something?” 

“I’m not grumps.” 

“You miss Holtz.” Abby concluded, walking over. 

“I don’t.” Erin defended. “I just hope everything is going okay for her. I know she said she doesn’t get along with her family, and a funeral isn’t a great place for anyone.” 

“I miss her.” Patty whined from her desk. “She’s only been gone for a day and already I can see how vital her comedic relief is. I can’t catch a break from you two.” 

“I can be funny.” Erin defended. 

“Good one, boss.” Kevin called. “That’s funny.” 

“No, really I can. Holtzmann thinks I’m funny.” 

“Yeah but she’s funny on accident. She’s quirky in a charming way. You’re… charming in other ways.” Patty said. 

“Nice recovery.” Abby mumbled. 

Erin rolled her eyes. “She’ll be back tomorrow, then you can all stop bullying me and turn your attention to your little golden girl.” 

“Child.” Patty corrected. “She’s my child.” 

“Do I sense resentment, Erin?” Abby asked. 

“Erin, did you want to be Patty’s child?” Kevin asked genuinely. 

“No Kevin, that’s okay.” 

“I’m putting you up for adoption, GrouchyPants.” Patty said. 

“Er, can we talk upstairs for a minute?” Abby motioned. She could sense something in Erin that she hadn’t felt in a long time. It was that same defensive manner Erin got when she was being ganged up on in school. 

Erin reluctantly followed Abby up the stairs and into their living quarters, near the couches. 

“I was getting work done, you know. Before you guys interrupted me.” Erin said. 

“No you weren’t. Erin… you know we’re just joking around, right?” 

“Of course.” Erin brushed her hair back. “I know that. I do.” 

“You were getting really defensive.” 

“I was joking, too.” 

“Did something happen between you and Holtz?” 

“I guess—“

“What did you do to her?” 

“I didn’t do anything! God, you both go all Momma Bear when it comes to her.” 

“Erin, she just lost her actual mom! She doesn’t need…” Abby flapped her hand at Erin, “Whatever THIS is that you’re doing. She’s a delicate, complicated creature. You’re confusing her.” 

“No I’m not! In fact, I told her that I’m not into her. That I’m not into women, I told her that.” 

“AFTER I said it? You doubled up on her?” 

“That’s… did I?” 

“Oh Jesus, Erin.” Abby turned away as if she quit. 

“I don’t know what to do, I’ve never had a woman like me before!” 

“Yes you have. You just haven’t noticed it.” 

Erin stuck her hand in her hair and leaned against a brick pillar. “Abby, please stop. I’m not the bad guy on purpose, you know I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I’m just bad at people.” 

“That’s very true.” 

“It doesn’t help that Holtzmann doesn’t act like a normal person either.” 

“Well I’ll tell you one thing,” Abby mumbled the rest. 

“What?”

“Nothing. You heard me.” 

“No Abby, I didn’t. I hate when you do that. What did you say?”

“Nothing.” 

Erin lunged at her friend with a fist up. “What did you just say?” 

“I SAID YOU DON’T LOOK AT HER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON EITHER.” 

“… What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“It means” Abby mumbled something again.

“Stop fucking doing that, I’m gonna kill you!” 

“YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS.” Abby jumped five steps out of Erin’s reach. 

“I hate you Abby!” 

“WE ALL LOVE YOU AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.” Abby ran down the stairs before she could get punched. 

~//~

Erin cursed softly as the page of her book tore when she turned it. Again. The only downside of reading while curled up in bed was that she kept forgetting to lift her book when turning the page so it wouldn’t get caught on the blanket between the wedge. 

Also, being alone. That was another biiig downside of reading in bed. Sitting to one side to be near the lamp left a very obvious empty space next to her. Still, she was glad she had chosen to keep her own apartment along with living at Headquarters, so she could still bring a man home sometimes. She still couldn’t picture the man who should be there with her. All her life her “future husband” had just been a blank figure. Someday though, she would find someone to fill that spot. Someone to get in fights with, someone whom she could correct when he made misogynistic jokes, someone she would get tired of having sex with. That’s what she had learned marriage was. And someday she wanted to have that with Mr.Blankface. Well, she would have that. Maybe “want” isn’t the right word, but she would have that. With Mr.Blankface. 

…Right? 

That’s what she’s supposed to want, right? Her brain is very organized, and any thoughts that deviate from that fantasy she had grown up with simply weren’t on her schedule of things to think about.  
Her eyes brought the book back into focus, and she read the whole page again just trying to remember where she left off. 

A loud, jarring noise made her jump and squeak softly in surprise. Her phone, accidentally left on “vibrate”, was ringing on her nightstand. It was just past midnight. 

She unplugged her phone, not sure if she was going to have to yell at someone for disrupting her, or thank them for disrupting her. 

It was Holtzmann. Holtz had put a little ghost emoji next to her name in Erin’s contacts, making Erin smile briefly. She swiped. “Hello?” 

“Erin, thank god. Abby and Patty aren’t answering their phones? Do you know what’s wrong?” She sounded anxious. 

“What’s wrong?” Erin repeated. “It’s after midnight, that’s what’s wrong.” 

“…O… Oh, I’m so so sorry Erin. I totally forgot about the time change. Shit.” She sounded like she had a lot of energy, yet sounded drained at the same time. 

“It’s fine, I was already up. Did you need them for something?” 

“Uh, anyone really. I have um, a little bit of a dilemma here.” There was some fussing on Holtz’s end. 

“Anything I can help with?” Erin sat up. 

“Well, see my Mom’s funeral was today, and, the whole extended family deal went back to my brother’s house for food after. Now most people have left except my brothers and sisters. They’re drinking over in the living room. They asked me to join them.” 

Erin waited for more. When she didn’t get more, she asked, “Where are you now?” 

“Outside. It’s really cold.” 

“Holtz, go inside. Do you not want to drink with them?” 

Holtz paused, as if wondering how Erin could miss something so obvious. “Erin, they hate me.” 

“Holtzy, I’m sure they don’t—“

“Yes. They do.” Her voice had a steel edge now. “She told them things about me. I was the bad guy, Erin. I was always the bad guy.” In one sentence her voice had gone from steel to on the verge of tears. 

“Oh, Holtzy. They wouldn’t have invited you to hang out with them if they didn’t want you around, right?” 

“Maybe they think they had to. Or maybe they want to blame me. Or maybe they’re luring me in so they can sell me back to… to the bad people so they never have to deal with me again.” Holtz was absolutely crying now. 

Erin waited for her sniffles to get quieter. “Well, you have a healthy imagination, I’ll give you that.” 

“Healthy, right.” Holtz grumbled quickly. 

“Ho—um, Jillian.” Erin hadn’t really called her that before, but she felt like this called for it. “I think you should go and hang out with them for five minutes and see what it’s about. Maybe they want to reconnect. They’re your siblings, and all of you just lost a mother—“ 

“Not Taylor.” 

“What?” 

“Taylor. My sister. My dad had an affair before I was born. His mistress got pregnant with Taylor. She’s half Chinese. Without me she’s the odd one out. But I’m the youngest and the screw-up, so she likes having me around but is heavily invested in making SURE I’m still the odd one out. She loves to hate me. She makes everything worse. I don’t wanna go in there Erin.” 

As usual when Holtz has to speak more than a single sentence, Erin needed a minute to catch up and weed out all of the ADHD in Holtz’s words. And then another minute to process yet another massive curveball, about the hundredth curveball Holtz has thrown in the past week. How did Erin know her for so long without knowing a single one of these things? “Okay… besides Taylor, you and your siblings have all just lost your mother—“ 

“Taylor’s mom already died, actually.” 

“Jesus, Holtz. I’m losing my train of thought.” 

“Sorry.” 

“My point is, I don’t think they’re interested in hurting you. Maybe they are just inviting you because they feel obligated, but maybe it’s because they want a familiar face around. Someone who shares those memories of growing up. You’re all in the same boat. Worst case scenario, you can walk away if they’re being mean to you. Best case, maybe they get to understand you a little bit better.” 

“Actually the worst—“

“They’re not going to sell you, Holtz.” 

“Okay, I guess.”

“If things get rough, just remember you’re coming home tomorrow. I mean home to us. And nothing they ever do will be as cool as catching ghosts and hanging out with us, right?” 

Holtz gave a small laugh. “They probably think it’s lame. They’ll probably say “That’s so gay”. People are still like that out here.” 

“So what if it’s gay? That’s not an insult. Wait, do they know that you’re…?” 

“Well yeah. I told everyone when I was fourteen. Which admittedly wasn’t the best idea in high school. But it’s like a running joke in my family that I “closed off all my options” when I “decided to become gay” because I’m never in a relationship when they ask.” 

Erin’s perspective changed. She grew up in a very liberal home so she didn’t have exposure to this kind of thing. It always seemed like fiction. “They really say that?” 

“Well yeah but they’re just joking—“ 

“Tell them we’re dating.” She blurted. 

“…Who?” 

“Me and you. Tell your brothers and sisters that you have a girlfriend. I know you’ve been in relationships before, they must just ask at the wrong times. Who cares? Tell them you’re dating me.”  


“Why would I do that? I’m not gonna lie.” 

Erin pondered another offer, but decided against it. “Well, you can tell them if you want. It’s up to you.” 

“I guess I have a few more tricks up my sleeve if I need. I could tell them that I briefly got hired to CERN. Probably only two of them know what that is though. I guess I could also tell them that I got a doctorate degree…” 

“Jesus Holtz, you really like dropping huge bombs on people, don’t you?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“No—nevermind.”

“OK. Thanks, Er. I guess I’ll go sit with them for a while. If things go bad it’s on you.” She joked. 

“Holtzmann, wait.” 

“What?” 

Erin gathered her courage. “Tell them that we’re dating.” 

“We’re not.” 

“… Do you want to be? I’ve been thinking it over—“ Erin could hear her heart racing. She was afraid she might pass out right there in bed. “I would like to give women a chance. Especially you. Maybe I only think I’m supposed to like men because it’s how girls are raised. I never really gave it a second thought. And you… kind of make me feel a certain way. A way that I’d like to explore more. So… you can tell your brothers and sisters that you’re dating me. I’d like that.” 

There was dead silence on the other end, which terrified the pants off of Erin. Had she been too forward? Did Holtz hang up already? Did her brain make up everything Abby said about Holtz liking her?  


“Er…” The childish energy had left her voice. “I’m not just available for you whenever you decide you want me to be. You told me you’re not interested. Loud and clear.” 

“I know, I’m sorry, but—“ 

“Erin, I’m seeing someone.” 

“That was fast.” Erin blurted defensively, feeling a hot blush rush to the surface of her cheeks. 

“Not really. I didn’t ask Abby to tell you anything. I got pretty strong “not interested” vibes from you long before Abby said anything. Just after my mom died I worked up the courage to ask out someone I’ve really been meaning to. And she said yes. We’re very happy. I mean, if you want to pursue women, I know a few people who can—“ 

“No thanks. I—that’s okay. Good luck with your family. Um—sorry.” Erin hung up, her hands shaking. 

Holtz frowned at her phone before pocketing it and heading back inside to pour herself a drink. She did lie about one thing: she hadn’t gotten “not interested” vibes from Erin. In fact, she had always kind of gotten the opposite. 

Truly though, Erin’s timing was just awful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments! I love all of them and I'll try to respond to them if you want.


	6. The New and Mysterious Girlfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz needs help after a date with her girlfriend goes wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep adding one more chapter, but I think the next one will be the last. Mentions of mental illness and hinting at domestic violence.

“MY BABY” Patty shouted as Holtz reached the top of the stairs, suitcase in hand.

“Ohnononono, away from the stairs.” Holtz mumbled as Patty ran towards her for a hug. She side-stepped so the stairs weren’t right behind them in case the tackle-hug knocked her over.

Holtzmann let go of her suitcase and allowed herself to be lifted off the ground for a moment.

“I missed you!”

“Patty, my love. Not as much as I missed you.”

“Am I supposed to ask how your trip was or is that something reserved for vacations?”

“I met a fantastic man on the plane who showed me a magic card trick. I mean, before he was detained for lighting the deck on fire. Amazingly, they couldn’t find any combustibles on his person.” She gathered up her suitcase and tossed a casual greeting to Kevin before heading up more stairs to the bedrooms to deposit her belongings, with her usual slight bounce in her step.

She had barely been back for two minutes when the phone rang.

Kevin answered, “Conductors of Trains and Other Things.”

Abby groaned, “It’s Ghostbusters, Kevin. That’s literally easier than what you just said.”

Kevin made a few acknowledging grunts into the phone, then hung up.

“…Is there a ghost?” Erin asked.

“Oh, yes.”

“Where!” Abby started moving toward the gear racks.

“West 36th and 8th. Sounds like a Class C severed torso apartheid?”

“Oh my god, did you mean to say apparition?”

“Right, that’s it.”

“NEVER get those mixed up.” Erin warned, also heading towards her gear.

“And the classes are numbers.” Abby added.

"And also, the first thing."

Holtz came down the stairs, hearing the commotion. She saw everyone getting dressed. “Is there a bust?”

“You just got back, don’t worry about it—“ Erin started, but Holtz was already sprinting to her gear.

Within two minutes, Holtz was turning the key in the Ecto, back in her natural habitat. “Oh yeah, baby.” She said, swinging out onto the road with zero regard for traffic.

By the time they got to the building, which was a multi-level warehouse, there were people gathered outside waiting for them, looking on in fear.

“I first saw him in my office, but he got out the door and into the vents.” A man approached them as they got their packs on.

“I’ve always wanted to crawl through vents.” Erin joked.

“Uh, me too, but you don’t wanna use THIS in an enclosed space.” Holtz hefted the proton wand. “Especially places where the beam could bounce. That’ll be a bad day.”

“Well, it was a joke.” Erin said quickly, forcing a smile.

Abby sized up the building as they walked in. “We should split up. Two upstairs, two downstairs. Maybe we can corner it.”

Erin quickly grabbed Patty’s arm. “We’ll take upstairs.”

~

There was a surprisingly large number of shelving units and small offices in the warehouse. Abby and Holtz crept along, proton wands at the ready.

“Holtzy, can we talk?” Abby whispered, though it didn’t carry far and Holtz was ahead jumping around corners. “Holtzy.” Abby said louder.

“Mmmbout what?” Holtz asked.

Abby of course had known Holtz longer than anyone else at the station. She remembered all the Thanksgivings and holidays they both spent at the lab instead of with family. “Are your brothers and sisters still complete fartbowlers?”

“I talked to them.” Holtz admitted. “We… had drinks together.”

“Uh oh.”

“I only had one.”

“Oh. So…?” They walked on opposite sides of a mostly empty shelving unit, and Abby was watching through the spaces trying to read Holtz’s face for any clues about how bad it was this time.  

“It was okay, at first.” Holtz bit her lip. “They still don’t really get it. They thought I was selfish for thinking Mom did it because of me. “Everything is about Jillian” Like, since when!?” Holtz tried to reign herself back in for a second. “Apparently only Zack knew about the location on the train tracks –that specific mile marker—and when I brought it up everyone got upset again.”

“Holtzy…” They reached the end of the unit and faced each other again.

Holtz stopped in place. “I’m not the bad guy, Abby.”

“You’re not. Of course you’re not.”

“Then why does it feel like I am?”

“Because no offense but your family is a bunch of assholes. If they still can’t see how lucky they are to have you as a sister, then it’s their loss.”

“Erin asked me out.” Holtz blurted.

“…What? Wait… huh?”

Holtzmann began walking again. “Over the phone. She said she would like to date me. Even if everyone in my family is an ass, why do I still _really_ want their approval?”

“One thing at a time, Holtzy. Please. I can’t do this dual-conversation with you when you just said Erin Gilbert asked you out on a date?? Are you sure that’s what she meant? Because you tend to misinterpret things. What did she say exactly.”

Holtz fidgeted. “I don’t wanna… I don’t know. I don’t wanna talk about either of those things right now.”

Abby rolled her eyes, frustrated. “Are you kidding me? You drop that and then say you don’t want to talk about it? What do you want to talk about?”

Holtz turned away and hid her face. “Nothing. Can we just have silence?”

Abby moved to face her so Holtz couldn’t hide. “No, Jillian Holtzmann. You cannot fix things by sitting in silence.”

“Never heard of peaceful protests?”

“You’re a pain in the ass. What did Erin say?”

Holtz cringed. “She said to tell my family that she’s my girlfriend. Then she said she wanted it to be true. That she felt a certain way towards me and that she wanted to explore it more.” Holtz could’ve quoted it exactly, she had memorized it.

“Holy shit.” Abby laughed, leaning back. “She actually likes you? I think she actually likes you—“

“But Abby,”

“I always knew she had a thing for women. She didn’t know it, but I could tell. This is going to be so—“

“Abby. Abigail Yates.”

“Whoa.” Abby warned.

Holtz raised her eyebrows. “You used mine and Erin’s full names in this conversation alone.”

“Not your full names, Jillian Charles Holtzmann.”

“That’s not my middle name.”

“Why not though?”

“Abby! I told her I’m seeing someone.”

“Why would you tell her that?”

“I don’t lie.”

“…So you are seeing someone? Another woman? Whom you are dating? A real woman, who’s not Erin?”

“YES.”

“Who! And since when!?”

Holtz avoided eye contact. “Since last week. I meant, I’ve known her for a while. But we just recently… started something.”

“She’s not your drug dealer, is she?”

Holtz stopped to look at Abby.

“Sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring that up.”

Holtz started laughing. “Haha! She's a pharmacist.”

“Selling prescription drugs to the people they were prescribed to?” Abby had to make sure.

“Yes, Jesus.”

“Holtzy. Um, that’s good. That’s good!” Her enthusiasm for her best friend took over, knowing how much Holtz has struggled with girlfriends in the past. Every gay girl (and even a lot of straight ones) loved Jillian Holtzmann, but only in small doses. Abby had seen too many girlfriends wildly in love with the blonde, then quickly tire of her quirks and leave her, only to come back within a few weeks because they couldn’t get enough again.

Needless to say, Abby has had to scare girls away just to keep Holtz from getting hurt. Because Holtz has the curse of being quick to forgive, and she would take them back.

But Abby was still good friends with Erin too, and she could only imagine the embarrassment Erin felt over this.

“What did Erin say?”

“She said oh. And hung up.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?”

“No. She probably wants it left alone.”

“You’re probably right. Hey, maybe you ARE getting better at people.”

“Doubt it.”

~//~

Patty set four plates out around the booth table just as Abby returned from testing out the upgrades Holtz made to the Ecto-1.

“Aw what? I thought we were ordering?” Abby whined.

“No, because you were gonna order Chinese food, and I can’t watch that happen again.” Patty slid four sandwiches off a tray and onto each plate.

“Smells great, Patty.” Erin called, specifically to counter Abby.

Holtzmann approached the table. “Ooh. Fuel. What kind?”

Patty was thrown, but was getting used to it. “If you’re asking what food this is, it’s tuna grilled cheese sandwiches. It’s the only thing I know how to make.”

“Don’t you also know how to make tuna sandwiches and grilled cheese separately?” Holtz asked.

“No. Sit your smart ass down and eat.”

“Guys, come enjoy Patty’s fuel!”

Erin and Abby joined them a few moments later. “Where’s Kevin?” Erin asked.

“Hide and seek tournament, part 2.” Abby replied.

“Part 2?”

“Apparently they do the hiding and the seeking on different days.”

Holtz gave a confused frown.

“Everybody eat.” Patty instructed. “I wanna know exactly how much you like it, don’t be afraid to go hard on me.”

“Patty, I would never go soft on you.” Holtz said.

Patty shivered for a second. “You really concern me.”

Erin had inconspicuously made sure that she wasn’t sitting next to Holtz, and Holtz seemed to have the same idea, moving to the back of the booth. Erin still hadn’t made any sort of eye contact with her beyond the hello. She was more embarrassed than anything, although Holtz didn’t seem like the type of person anyone should be embarrassed in front of.

Something buzzed.

“No phones at the table!” Patty shouted.

“Sorry.” Holtz checked the message, then put it back in her pocket.

It almost immediately buzzed again.

“Hey, what did I just say?”

“I’m sorry! It’s a new phone; I don’t know how to put it on silent.”

“That’s cause your old phone was a flip phone. It’s time you learn the joys of smartphones, and various other wonders of the 21st century. Gimme.” Patty snatched the phone away. It buzzed again in her hands.

“Don’t um—“ Holtz reached for it. “Lemme just answer that.”

“It says “8. Bring the microwave popcorn again.” From Olivia. That’s not one of your sisters, is it?”

“Hold on, is that where my popcorn has been going? Holtz?” Abby asked.

Holtz looked surprised. “I thought it was for everyone!”

“You want me to respond?” Patty asked, already positioning her thumbs to type.

“I CAN TYPE!” Holtz burst, snatching the phone. She typed a quick response and thrust it back to Patty. “Put it on silent, and DON’T READ MY MESSAGES.”

“Yikes.” Patty muttered, tapping something on the phone and handing it back.

“Holtzy,” Abby started cautiously. “Is Olivia your girlfriend?”

“Maybe. Yes.”

“Aww, you going on a date tonight!!“ Patty started.

“Is it the same Olivia from two years ago?” Abby asked.

“Let’s talk tomorrow.”

“Holtz! Do you remember what she did!?”

“She’s not like that anymore!”

“How do you know?”

“I know her! We reconnected. We’ve kind of… been each other’s booty call for a few months now, and she wants it to be more.” Holtz mumbled quickly, turning red and taking a bite of her sandwich.

“What did she do to you?” Erin spoke up for the first time this entire conversation. Everyone turned to her.

Finally, Abby answered. “She went into Holtzy’s phone and texted horrible things to her exes. She’s possessive and _dangerous,_ Holtzmann.”

“I told you it’s not like that anymore! What part of “booty call” sounds possessive? That’s pretty open-ended.”

“Stop saying booty call.” Patty said.

“Midnight hookup? Fuck buddies?” Holtz offered, scrunching her nose.

“I think we get the point. It just seems real convenient of her to swoop in while you’re vulnerable.” Abby said.

“Well what if I need that kind of release? What if it helps me get through stuff?”

“That’s… fine, as long as you’re… safe.” Abby felt like she was having the sex talk with her own child. “But if she wants a relationship again, I think you should ask yourself why she chose right now, when you just lost your mom.”

“She… she likes taking care of people.” Holtz defended. She was embarrassed Abby was lecturing her in front of Erin and Patty.

“The last time you guys were together you had a broken leg. And what happened when you didn’t need to be taken care of anymore?”

“Um…”

“She got possessive. She tried to do things to make you stay.” Abby reminded.

“Sounds like some Stephen King “Misery” shit right there.” Patty added.

“She never physically hurt me.” Holtz defended.

“Well those are some terrible standards for a relationship. Trust me.” Erin pitched in.

Holtz considered her words. At least, considered them more than the other two.

“I don’t want you to see her.” Abby said firmly. “You want me to break up with her for you? I’ll do it.”

“What are you, my… maternal figure?” Holtz challenged, genuinely upset. “Fuck off, Abby. You don’t know anything about her.” She stuck the second half of her sandwich in her jacket pocket. “Food’s great, Patty. A solid ten. I have to get ready for a date.” She slipped out of the booth and jogged upstairs.

~//~

After fuming over the last of her popcorn being stolen, Abby eventually finished up her work for the night and headed up to bed. She hated going to bed with Holtz still angry at her, but she had already had her nighttime tea so it would have to wait until the morning.

Patty had gone over to drag her sister-in-law out to a club, insisting she needed a night away from the kids for her birthday.

Erin stayed at her desk well after everyone else had finished for the day, trying to get an article written for a publication before the deadline. It was just past 11 when her phone buzzed.

It was a text from Holtz, saying, “Can u pick me up?”

Another text came in immediately after, with an address and the word “Please.”

Erin jumped up and grabbed her jacket, fearing all the things this Olivia character possibly could have done to Holtzmann.

Under 10 minutes later, Erin was parked outside the address. She debated going to the door with an umbrella, since there was a light rain outside. She watched the door for another minute, sending Holtz a few texts including an “Are you ok?” and “Do you need me to come inside?”

Finally, a figure in disheveled flannel and matted blonde hair stepped out from around the corner of the building, in an alleyway. Holtz approached Erin’s car, hunched over, missing her jacket, and soaking wet.

Erin quickly unlocked the doors and Holtz slid in. “Sorry I’m wet.”

“It’s fine, you’re fine.” Erin said, trying to get some idea of what had happened. Holtz was breathing hard. “Do you—Are you hurt?”

“No.” Holtz shivered. She pressed the button to lock the car doors. “Just cold.”

Erin turned the heat up.

“Go somewhere. Drive. I don’t wanna be here anymore.” She shook and leaned back into the seat, taking a deep breath.

Erin pulled away from the curb and headed down 6th. “You’re kinda scaring me. Did something happen? What were you doing in an alley?”

“Hiding.”

“From who?”

Holtz rolled her eyes. “Slenderman.”

“Alright, sorry. Dumb question.”

“No, Erin, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I don’t mean to be rude right now. I’m just, um. Worked up. God, Abby’s never gonna shut up about “I told you so””

“Do you wanna talk about it? You’re not like, physically hurt anywhere, are you?” Erin glanced over.

“No. Well, my knee is scraped and probably bleeding, but I did that.” She gave a small, tight laugh.

Erin decided to leave it alone and give Holtz the silence for a few minutes.

But Holtz needed to get it out. “She screamed at me Erin. It was awful. Told me that I disgust her, I don’t even know why. I thought her neighbors were gonna call the cops. First we had sex and it was great and then while I was in the shower she got into my phone and…” Holtz was trying not to cry but it wasn’t working. “She started deleting a bunch of old texts between me and my mom, she said I don’t need to think about her anymore. I—“ Holtz choked on a sob. “That’s all I have from her over the past ten years, are those texts. That’s the SIM card from my old phone, that’s where it was all backed up. That was all I have…”

“Oh my god, Holtz…” Erin didn’t even know how to respond. She just watched the woman next to her shake in a mixture of sobs and shivers. She pulled up next to a building and parked. “Come on. Let’s get you into some dry clothes and warmed up.”

Holtz looked up. “Where are we?”

“My apartment. You don’t have to deal with Abby, and we can get your knee cleaned up. I don’t think we have anything at the station as far as first aid. C’mon.” Erin reached out to gently rub her shoulder.

Holtz pulled away, “I don’t wanna be touched.”

“Sorry.” Erin got out and led Holtz into the building and up to her apartment. It was already warm inside, but Erin turned up the heat anyway.

Holtz stumbled in, sniffling and shivering, looking around at the impossibly clean floors and neatly-hung paintings. And the various physics books, publications, and scrap papers that littered every available inch of table and countertop. “Wow, Gilbert. I pinned you as a neat freak.”

“They are neat, they’re in a precise order.” Erin called from the bathroom. She returned with a stack of peach towels of varying sizes and a bin full of medical supplies. She carelessly shoved all the papers from the table onto the counter. “I just never remember what that precise order is.” She grinned.

“I’m sorry, I think I’m dripping.” Holtz looked down at the growing puddle beneath her. The shower explained why her hair was wet, but she must’ve been in the rain for a long time for her clothes to be that soaked.

Erin passed her another towel. “I left some dry clothes on the bathroom counter for you. Go get changed and then I’ll look at your knee.”

Holtz nodded absently, heading to the bathroom.

Erin grabbed some tea bags from the cupboard and started a kettle.

“Ooh, Erin Gilbert’s undies.” Came Holtz’s voice from the bathroom.

“I put some out just in case yours got wet too, but you don’t have to— Oh!” Erin turned and was greeted with the sight of the wide-open bathroom door and a pale, naked butt turned in her direction. She quickly turned away and covered her eyes. “You can close the door, Holtzmann!”

“Sorry.” Holtz nudged the door shut, with her butt, Erin noted.

A minute later, Holtz came out in Erin’s FDNY hoodie and gym shorts, her wet hair down around her shoulders. She was holding the pajama pants out to the side. “I didn’t wanna…” She motioned to her knee, which was quite bloody, since the water had made it run and wasn’t allowing it to scab.

“Here, sit.” Erin grabbed some tissues and knelt down in front of Holtz’s chair, dabbing gently at her knee. “It’s not so bad.” Erin observed, shaking out an alcohol pad to clean up the wound. “What happened?”

“Let’s just say I didn’t use the front door.”

“Jesus, Holtzmann.”

“Call me Jillian. Or Jill.”

“Really? Okay.”

“For now. I just spent the whole weekend with my family, all of which are named Holtzmann. I don’t need to be reminded that we’re related.” She laughed.

“Alright, Jillian. All better?” Erin finished wrapping a gauze pad to Holtz’s knee.

“Yeah.” Holtz suddenly looked really tired. “I’m sorry.”  She bit her lip.

“What are you sorry for?” Erin frowned, getting back into her chair to face Holtz.

She shrugged. “I’m sorry that everything’s a mess, and I’m dragging you guys into it.”

“Jill, we’re always here for you. You’re not dragging us into anything, we want to help. We love you. And don’t worry, you never have to see this Olivia person ever again, we’ll make sure of that.”

Holtz blew out a puff of air and shook her head. “You guys don’t get it. She’s not a monster, I really like her. A lot. She just… gets like this sometimes.”

Erin sat up straight. “Holtz—Jillian, her “getting like that” is emotional abuse, you can’t ignore that.”

“It’s not her fault!” Holtz clenched her fists. “She has a mental illness! She’s trying really hard to get stable on meds! I can’t leave someone because of something she can’t help! She probably won’t even remember that fight tomorrow.”

Erin ran her hand over her face, closing her eyes and shaking her head at whatever she was seeing in her brain. “No. No, Holtz, it’s not your job to let her hurt you just because she can’t help it. It’s not your obligation to wait around for her to get better.”

Holtz bit back tears. “I really, REALLY like her, Erin.”

“If she really liked you she wouldn’t want to see you get hurt, especially by her hands.” Erin tried to keep her voice level, but she kept seeing her past self in Holtzmann.

“She loves me, and she would never lay a hand on me!”

“Until she does. Then what? You’re not gonna leave her just because she did it once, are you? What about the second time?”

Holtz gritted her teeth. “Shut the _fuck_ up, Erin. Just because some dumb relationship you had ended like that doesn’t mean everyone’s will.”

Erin got up to pour the tea. She silently dipped the tea bags into the mugs and set them on the table, resuming her seat.

“Are you clamming up on me or did you finally get the point?” Holtz didn’t touch her mug.

Erin maintained a calm, gentle voice. “Look at it, Jillian. It’s already gotten to that point. She’s hitting you by attacking your relationships with other people. It may not be her fault but you don’t deserve to be punished just to stay with her.”

“She’s HELPING me. I hated my mom. I don’t need her texts, what I need is to move on.” The fight was gone from her voice.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Erin dipped her tea bag, occasionally glancing up at Holtzmann. Holtz stared at her intently the whole time.

Erin continued carefully. “Well, I think that if you really love her, you’ll let her go, and if she—“

“Oh for fuck’s sake Erin, I think that saying is about lost dogs.”

Erin gave a small laugh, making Holtz briefly break a smile. “I think you’re right.”

Holtz laid her head on the table and a few tears fell. “Why is everything such a mess?” She mumbled. “Don’t tell Abby, but all this makes me want to do drugs again.”

“Jillian,” Erin warned.

“Don’t fucking worry. I’m not gonna. When… when I shot up last week, I thought it could… ease the pain, like it used to. But feeling that again just brought all those bad memories back from when I was forced to use. You ever puke from just… just remembering something bad that happened?”

“Yeah.” Erin mumbled into her hand, where her chin rested.

“I’m never gonna go back to that again, I just get the _urge_. At least it reminded me that things have been worse. And I got through it.”

“Yeah, you did.” Erin stretched, and Holtz yawned. “You look like you’re ready to fall asleep. You want the bed or the couch?” Erin stood.

“Erin Gilbert’s undies AND her bed? That’s too much. Couch, please.”

Erin laughed softly, walking to the linen closet to get a blanket and pillow.

Holtz left her tea untouched and moved to the living room, letting herself fall onto the couch.

 “Erin?”

Erin brought the blanket over and helped her set up. “Yeah?”

“M’sorry.”

“It’s okay, Jillian.” Erin fluffed the pillow before setting it next to the blonde.

“No wait, I have a reason this time.”

“What?”

“Sit for a minute?”

Erin reluctantly sat next to the younger woman on the couch, remembering how she said she didn’t want to be touched. She was surprised to see Holtz was very much awake now and teary-eyed, looking as if emotion alone was causing her to struggle to form words.

“Um, Erin, I’m sorry that somebody hurt you in the past, and I’m sorry that whatever happened between me and Olivia tonight might’ve caused some of those bad feelings to come back, and that I may have sounded insensitive by dismissing your concerns and-slash-or your experience on the subject, but on top of everything I can’t stand the thought of somebody hurting you so I pretended I didn’t hear it. And I’m sorry I called you so late for a ride when I could’ve taken a Lyft, but I wanted to see someone familiar.”

Erin processed all this, and was surprised when Holtz laid her head on her shoulder, her hair still wet. Erin relaxed back into the couch and eased an arm around Holtz. “Well, you don’t have to be sorry about that last thing. We’re always here for each other, any time of day or night. And I accept your apology for the other things.”

“Thank you.”

“Jill?”

“Yeah.”

Erin shifted her jaw, considering her words carefully. “I can’t stand the thought of you being hurt, either.” She wanted to say more, but felt the rest was implied.

They sat in comfortable silence for a long time. Erin was comfortable enough she could fall asleep, though she really wanted her bed, but she could sense that Holtz needed her more.

Finally, Holtz mumbled through tears, “Tomorrow, will you help me tell Olivia…”

“Yeah.”

“You’ll go with me?”

“Yeah.”

“Erin… I don’t wanna hurt her. I don’t want her to think that… that her illness is her fault. She’s really a good person. Just… like me but with more problems.”

Erin laughed lightly and rubbed Holtz’s shoulder. “I’ll make sure you two are still on good terms. Don’t worry.”

They sat for another minute, before Erin realized with a skip of her heart that she had kissed Jillian on the head as she said “don’t worry”. It just seemed like an automatic thing. But Holtz hadn’t seemed to notice, or didn’t care. That is a thing friends do anyways, right? Which led Erin to remember that Holtz had mentioned she just had sex a few hours ago. With a woman, of course. Well, she had showered since then but still… Which led Erin to wondering what exactly lesbian sex was about. How was it done? Do they use accessories? She heard somewhere that it took a long time. And this woman was Holtz’s booty call for a while? How often was Holtz going out and getting laid? Probably waay more often than Erin…

“Sorry I got your shoulder all wet.” Holtz yawned, pulling away from the older woman “I should let you get to bed.”

“Don’t hesitate to wake me if you need anything. I’m a light sleeper.” Erin said, getting up. Holtz held onto her hand until she was out of reach, and Erin wondered if that was just a friend thing too.

“Er?”

“What?”

“Thank you.”

Even though Holtz was on the couch, Erin's bed somehow seemed a lot less empty.

~//~

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh please please leave a comment <3


	7. The Estranged and Unwelcome Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Chapter 2, Abby leads Erin and Patty downstairs to give Holtz and Gorin a minute. We follow Abby and hear their conversation. This is Holtz and Gorin's conversation, leading into a flashback of Holtz's family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know the story's not abandoned! I've been working on the last chapter for a while now, and it's heavy so I'm taking my time to get it right. It might be two chapters. But in the meantime, this is a little flashback I had in the pile of rejected chapter material, and I think it turned out okay. 
> 
> In Chapter 2, Abby leads Erin and Patty downstairs to give Holtz and Gorin a minute. We follow Abby and hear their conversation. This is Holtz and Gorin's conversation, leading into a flashback of Holtz's family.

“Jillian.”

Holtz knew that tone. She had lived with Rebecca for long enough to know each other’s quirks. That first, emotionless calling of her name was always followed by a second one that intonated her actual meaning.

“Jillian.” It was soft. Like a mother who was about to have a talk with a child she could no longer control.

Holtz looked at her silently. Her eyebrows twitched.

Rebecca took the seat opposite Holtz, avoiding eye contact at first, as they always had when living together since direct eye contact with people was sometimes a little too intense for Holtz. She forced herself to take on a parental role and look at Holtz for as long as she would look back.

“First of all,” Rebecca started, “Is there anything else going on I should know about?”

Holtz noticed she was looking at her and looked away, pushing the edge of the table with her palm. “No.”

“This is about your mother?”

Holtz cringed. “Yeah.”

“Okay. If you don’t know how to deal with feelings properly, you can’t just try and escape. What are some better ways we can deal with this?”

“I dunno. Bring her back.” Holtz stared at the fridge.

“Jillian.” The first of another set of two. “Jillian, do you want to talk about her with me?”

“No.”

“With someone else?”

Holtz shook her head.

“Did you reconnect with her recently?”

“No. I meant to. I’ve always meant to. It’s always… the same, she doesn’t want me.”

“Have you reconnected at all with your family in the past few years?”

“Thanksgiving, three years ago. It was a fucking mess.”

//

_Everyone is looking at her. It’s not just her paranoia this time, she’s learned how to identify that. This is for real. Her family is watching her closely, waiting to see what her next move will be._

_The outlaw child. Will she throw a knife? Will she jump on the table in Tarzan clothes and screech? Does she remember how to use a fork? She could tell they thought so low of her. Like she’d lived as a savage since the last time she saw her family. Her own brothers and sisters. Two of them had brought their spouses to Thanksgiving dinner at Mom and Dad’s. Jillian hadn’t gone to any of their weddings. She was only invited to one. The other two siblings also brought tales of boyfriends and girlfriends and lovers back home, whatever. Everyone was hesitant to ask about Jillian. The lesbian. The youngest. The accident._

_Well, she didn’t know for sure. But she certainly felt like one._

_The “P” word had been spread around the family. She has NO possible idea how it could have gotten around that she ran away from home to “become a prostitute.” Certainly couldn’t have been the only sister she confided in and told. Literally the only person in the family who possibly could have known. Funny how the shortened version of her story that was shared didn’t mention what her actual work with the agency was. She never sold her body, never had physical contact with a client (except that one fistfight). But the drug part was still real, the homeless part was still real, so why would they believe her if she tried to correct them?_

_Whatever the cost, the word had gotten around, now it was some big thing everyone knew about except for her father, and everyone tried to keep that away from him. “It would give him a heart attack”._

_She thinks they were more afraid he might try to strike her. Her parents had never hit their children except for spankings when they were little, or head thumps when they got older. With six kids there were plenty of fights and hitting and violence to go around without parents needing to get involved. They had other ways of punishment. In the summers, for example, their mother would instruct the Problem Child to jump in the pool at night and then stand in the backyard, soaking wet, while everyone enjoyed themselves inside._

_Jillian hates swimming now._

_But they never hit her. So her Thanksgiving reunion went something like this:_

_Everyone happy at the table, making conversation, catching up. Her oldest sister is pregnant with another nephew (Holtz still hasn’t met the first one) and her brother just got promoted._

_“What are you doing now, Jillian?” Her mother will ask._

_Groundbreaking scientific research in the basement of a college no one’s ever heard of. By the way, CERN is scouting me._

_“Not much, mom.”_

_Her mother cringes at the use of the pronoun._

_After fifteen years of proving she’s the same person she’s always been, she’s still a stranger in her own home._

_Here’s how the tension starts:_

_Her siblings are talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends._

_Her father says: “How about you, Jillian? Boyfriend?”_

_Silence._

_“Or whatever.” He cringes slightly._

_“I’m interested in someone.” Jillian answers, trying to be polite._

_“What’s the name?”_

_“Erin.” Holtz has only heard tales about Erin from Abby, and seen her photo on the back of the book jacket. She’s already in love._

_Her brother snorts, “Does she know you exist?”_

_Holtz pushes food around her plate. She’s a bad liar. “No.”_

_Unintentional laughter follows. Her family doesn’t mean to be rude, but it’s pretty funny that he guessed that._

_“Shut up, Zack.” Holtz grips her fork._

_Zack may have replied something rude._

_Holtz may have shot back something ruder._

_“Jillian! We taught you manners, didn’t we?” Her mother scolds._

_Zack was rude too. It’s unfair._

_But Holtz recognizes what’s happening. She’s being singled out._

_Enough. “Yeah, I learned a lot from you, Mom. Sorry, you’d prefer I call you Laura, right? Manners didn’t seem to stick, did they? I guess the only real lesson I learned from you was how to hate myself.”_

_“Jillian, quit being dramati—“ Her father will start.._

_“I fucking HATE MYSELF, because I looked up to you, and you hated me. I always thought I wanted to be like you. Well Mom, if I ever have a child, who by the way, will NOT be your grandchild, I will NEVER even consider treating them like you did me. So maybe my child won’t have to feel like a stranger in their own home. So maybe my child won’t try to fucking kill themselves in their childhood bedroom.”_

_Silence will ensue._

_“I figured you never told the family about that. I guess I was right.”_

_That’s what she would like to say. But she doesn’t. If she tried, she’d probably only get out half the words she meant and stutter and none of her words would sink in. The only takeaway they’d have is the fact that she was shouting during dinner, as they probably predicted she would. Her against them._

_Instead, she says nothing after her mother’s comment about manners. There’s no way to win, there’s no way to prove a point._

_Jillian locks eyes with her mother for a few moments. If she could just get her approval, everyone else would follow suit. But for years Jillian’s had her mother’s stark disapproval, and of course, everyone followed._

_Actually, “Jillian” had all her mother’s approval in the world. If “Jillian” were here, she’d be wrapped in her mother’s hugs and comfort, given warmth and unconditional love, and be told everything was alright._

_But apparently, due to her mother’s reality-altering PTSD, that love is conditional. That love is reserved for children who don’t get kidnapped, have their innocence violated, and have their bodies forced into drug dependency._

_“Jillian” died years ago. So Jillian doesn’t get that love._

_In reality, nobody ever got that kind of love in the Holtzmann household. Six kids plus the whole affair deal, and nobody was ever really shown much affection. But it had been implied. And it still was, for five of them._

_Back in the day, after a scuffle like this during dinner, one child (typically the one who ‘started it’) would be sent to the cellar without finishing dinner. A little piece of food might be thrown, and faces made at each other, tongues sticking out._

_Now, however, Zack looks at his food and their mother quickly flicks her gaze elsewhere as soon as she realizes Jillian is looking at her. They’re not even acting angry towards her; they are straight-up ignoring her. And that hurts far worse than going to bed on an empty stomach._

_She remains quiet through the rest of dinner, and doesn’t touch her food. She helps wash dishes in the kitchen, and continues to work until everyone else has gone to the living room._

_She reluctantly enters the living room, trying to remember nobody here was going to physically hurt her. But it’s hard to escape that mindset once that kind of threat has been part of your daily life._

_There’s no more spots left on any couches or chairs. Jillian grabs a folding chair from the dining room, but nobody makes room for her at the ‘circle’. She snaps the chair open and sets it behind two of her sisters._

_Tyler goes into the kitchen and returns a moment later with a cold can of beer. Everyone’s holding either a beer or a mixed drink (except their pregnant sister), and now he’s offering one to Jillian._

_An offering that, for a second, she thinks could mean so much more. It feels good. She accepts it, wondering if she’ll remember this beer offering as the turning point in her relationship with her family. Maybe while she was in the kitchen they’d held a secret meeting and agreed to let her be part of the family again. ._

_And maybe jelly beans are the cure for cancer._

_“Don’t get addicted.” Tyler jokes as he let go of the can._

_Jillian’s hopes all drop out of the sky mid-flight. It could have been a joke, and she can take jokes. But his tone was off. Somehow, somehow she knows it wasn’t fully a joke._

_She’s still the ‘dangerous’ child, and nothing’s gonna make them forget that._

_She lowers the can to her lap and doesn’t open it. Everyone carries out conversation and she stays out of it completely. She holds the can until the cold make her hands hurt. After a little while, she gets up and walks to the kitchen, placing the drink back in the fridge, and slips out the back door._

_She sits on the porch floor against the brick of the house. It’s not too cold, and Jillian decides she could cry there for a few minutes, then maybe call Abby, then call a cab back to the hotel. Fuck this shit._

_For the first few minutes, she tries to let herself cry, but the tears seem stuck just under her eyes. It hurts. She pinches the bridge of her nose in frustration, putting her head down and letting out one of her growls._

_The door opening next to her nearly scares Jillian’s heart right out of her chest. She calms down for a second before looking up, ready to be told she’s done something wrong._

_Jillian’s mother, alone, looks down at her for a moment, then slowly pulls the door closed and sits down near Jillian. A little bit farther than being able to say they were sitting ‘next to each other’, but they are near each other._

_Her mother doesn’t look over at her. But the gesture says something Jillian hasn’t quite processed yet. Something good._

_Jillian takes in a deep breath. “You know I’m still the same person, right?” She says softly, voice heavy with years of pain._

_When the following silence lasts a little too long, Jillian invents a new ending, and it goes like this:_

_“It’s… been hard to accept what you became. As a mother.”_

_“I haven’t become anything. I’m still your daughter. The same one I’ve always been.”_

_“You’re different.”_

_“Everyone’s different, Mom. You didn’t like what my life had become? I didn’t like what my life had become. It was awful, I was sick and confused, I lost part of my childhood. But it would have been so much easier if I had my mother’s arms to crawl into whenever I felt that life’s not worth it.”_

_Her mother would start crying, softly._

_“But I like who I am now, Mom. I’m a whole person. I have friends and romantic relationships, and my own apartment.  I’m a scientist, I’m doing what I always loved. I got my PhD and I’m being scouted for a position at the Large Hadron Collider. Do you know what that is? They only take the best physicists in the entire world. I’d love to tell you all about it sometime.”_

_“And I’d love to hear about it. Come on inside—“_

_And that’s where the fantasy ends. Everything else in Jillian’s mental conversation seemed like realistic things her mother might say, but when she imagined that last part, the fantasy shattered. Even Jillian’s own very active imagination struggled to go that far beyond reality._

_In this reality, her mother still hasn’t answered her question. It hangs in the air._

You know I’m still the same person, right?

_The words wilt, giving way to the heartbreaking silence from her mother._

_Jillian gives up. She’d love to jump up and run to the front yard, call an Uber, and be gone. Back to her hotel room, then on the plane, then back in New York. But she can’t get up right now; her stomach hurts from clenching as she tries not to cry again._

_Both of them are stuck on the patio, not wanting to go inside and have everyone see they were crying._

_Jillian buries her face in her knees, mumbling into the taut fabric of her jeans, “That’s not the answer I dreamed of, but it’s the one I expected.”_

_Her mother sniffles once. Finally, she offers two shaky words as if they would bridge the four-foot gap between them: “I’m trying.”_

_Jillian is glad she will never be like her mother._

~//~


End file.
